Lost

My grandma died last Monday, so I haven't felt much like posting. I went down with my mom Tuesday and stayed until today.

It's Canadian Thanksgiving tomorrow. But it's hard to be excited or feel thankful for much when you're still grieving and trying to figure out how you feel about things.

Bad Days

There is usually some kind of reason as to why I'm having a bad day. A lot of the time it's simply because I'm tired and as a result, cranky. It usually leads to me being headachey as well. When I'm in a foul mood I'm not the most social person and I especially hate when people mess with my plans. Take today for example.

I had to be up at 6:30am to get ready so I could be at my orientation down at the board office with all the other supply teachers. I didn't sleep well last night because I'm still stuffy and I was anxious.

I then spent all morning at the board office doing a very tedious orientation. The only part I enjoyed was when they explained how I get paid. I then drove back across town and made lunch and sat on my butt for a bit before I then had to do the dishes/clean up the kitchen. I then went to a three hour rehearsal at my old high school for the musical.

During the day, I'd also tried to establish plans for tomorrow with two of my friends - S who has been mentioned previously and K. I thought we'd go to a nice pub tomorrow and do drinks and some munchy food. They agreed to this. Well as I'm leaving the school apparently S had invited two other people we know from high school and neither of them could do tomorrow.

Here's the thing - they were invited belatedly so...I don't really care if they can't come. Plus one guy is a total dickwad anyway. But now we're all going out tonight and we're meeting at one place for food/drinks and then apparently going to the one country style bar.

The boys do not dance so why the fuck would you go to a dance bar? Also - I want to be able to sit around and just chill. I don't want to deal with drunk ass fucktards since that's who will be there because all the students are back. So any of those young bars are out of fucking control. Also - I don't want to go and just drink. I also really don't want to go out tonight. Like fuck this shit.

S called to let me know what the actual game plan was cause when we were texting he was being stupidly vague and it was pissing me off. So I told him straight up that I've been up since 6:30 and I'm tired. I also know this is going to be a stupid group outing because again neither of the guys like dancing so why the hell would you plan on going to a dance bar? The other guy never even hardly fucking talks.

So now my already poor mood is growing increasingly foul. And I have a headache. Beautiful.

But at least I have reasons for my poor mood. I know a lot of people who are just in perpetual bad moods and always have bad days. I don't understand how this happens! If your life sucks that much do something about it. K is a prime example of this. She's making things worse on herself by continuing to moon over her ex. There's a huge massive backstory to this, but sufficed to say it's not going anywhere and it's over. She can't quite get over it and makes it worse on herself in stupid ways.

I'm 22 years old, but lately I feel much older. I think it's the being done school and everything else. I just feel old. I'm tired, I don't want to do these stupid games people insist on doing, and I just want to hang out with other adults. The problem is I know the more I hang out with these people, the more I end up like them. I get stuck in this continual foul mood where I bitch about EVERYTHING and that bothers me even more because I know I could stop it by just getting away from the negative nellies in my life.

It's frustrating.

Learn to say "No" to your kids

I was watching "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC today and they had one bride-to-be who wanted to get one dress, then have custom alterations done. Clearly a princess. Clearly not used to hearing the word no. Ever.

Now, I work with kids on a regular basis through babysitting, camp, school - hell, if I see kids misbehaving in public sometimes I call them out on it (but that's only if I don't see parents close by). Over the years I've come across far too many kids that don't understand the concept of "no." What's even more astounding to me is watching how fast parents will give in to their screaming children. My parents never stood for this sort of stuff! Hell - if I back talked I got my mouth washed out with soap. Literally. My parents would also spank me. These were often combined with yelling, lectures, time-outs, groundings, the taking away of privileges, etc. One time I got a 78% on a geography test - which is a B+ in the Ontario school system. I was grounded for two weeks because my mom thought I hadn't studied enough. That was probably the only test I've ever actually actively studied for because I knew my mom was threatening to ground me. That was also the one of the highest marks in the class on that test!

If I wanted a toy as a kid, I had to buy it myself. And even then I would still often get told no because I was supposed to save my allowance. I ended up with my first GIC at the age of 14 or something crazy - and I'm very middle class mind. When I wanted an N64 in grade 7, I had to save up all my money. I saved up $200 before my dad took pity on me and put in the money for the rest of it.

My friends were bribed to get good grades in school - $10 for every A on your report card. My parents just expected that I would have straight A's. I wasn't rewarded with toys or money, they figured doing the work and learning something was reward enough.

I'm a child of the 90s and it seems that's when this whole trying to be friends with your kid really started to become more widespread. I certainly know many people in my age group who are also not used to hearing no. The looks of horror I get when I say I was spanked as a kid if I was a real little shit are hilarious in my opinion. I understand that there's all this stuff about how it can be emotionally damaging and what not and that children shouldn't be scared of their parents. Fine. Was I scared of my parents? Well I sure as hell knew they were the ones in charge. I'm pretty sure my mom actually spanked me one time when I was in like grade 7 because I was being a right little bitch about something or other.

Am I now on good terms with my parents? Yeah, I am actually. I get along better with my mom probably because we have very similar personalities. (My dad tends to get pissy about things - he and my sister are very much alike.) It's frustrating to have moved back home for teacher's college to save money and still be here while I'm trying to build a career because my mom does nag me about shit, but we've had pretty frank talks about it. The reason she nags me is because I just roll my eyes and take it, then walk away. I'll do stuff when I feel like it and she knows that it will get done eventually. She doesn't nag my sister as much because she'll say one thing like "Can you please unload the dishwasher?" and my sister will fly off the handle and start ranting and raving cause she gets very pissy. We call her Miss Cranky Pants. But my mom still makes her do it.

The things is - a lot of kids today don't seem to have the same level of respect for their parents' authority that I had growing up. My mom didn't put up with picky eaters. It was you eat what is on the table in front of you or you don't eat. She wouldn't take dessert away, but it was eat or don't eat. There was no snacking allowed. Picky eaters have always been one of my pet peeves - at least try the food. If you've never had it, how do you know you don't like it? There are a lot of things I don't particularly like, but if it's served to me and free I will eat it. Like ham. I'm just not a big fan - although every so often I will get a craving for it. There was a while where I really disliked most breakfast food - eggs in particular. But if it was Sunday morning and my mom made eggs I was still going to eat them.

The problem is that now kids are all used to being catered to and coddled. The fact is - the real world just isn't like that. I admit, I had it pretty good as a kid - I was athletic and always made the teams and did well and I also made every show I auditioned for. I did well in school too. But I also worked my ass off. I got a bit of a shock when I went from straight A's without trying to being a B student in university.

I've seen kids who show up to try out for teams or audition for shows and they just expect to get in without working on it. If you aren't going to put in the effort, get out. And don't have mommy phone and complain. It really bugs me when students get poor marks and their parents blame the teachers - especially when most of those teachers have been chasing after students asking for missing assignments, trying to prompt them to answer in class, etc.

Your child is not perfect, because no one is perfect. If little Johnny says he wants a new game system, tell him to get a paper route. If little Susie cuts her sister's hair, give her a time out. If Jimmy punches his brother call him out on it.

Honestly, it doesn't take much to get a reaction out of a kid. I can do it with tone of voice. And I'm 22 and have no kids of my own. I've been able to do it for years. I understand if can be more difficult with your own kids but you are not helping them by always giving in. If you always buy them everything they want, they don't know the value of anything. They get out on their own and suddenly they can't afford the lifestyle they're used to and they go into debt.

So please - tell your kids no once in awhile. You can spoil your grandkids.

Dying Embers

My first crush was my friend S. He and I go way back - we're talking kindergarten here. Our families are pretty good friends as well - our sisters have always been close as well. Back when I first started noticing boys as being the opposite sex during puberty, I started to fall for S. I was going through a part of my life where I was being bullied a great deal by the majority of our class. Those who weren't actively bullies were bystanders who didn't say much to help me. S was also a bystander most of the time, but every so often would do something small. Some things I found out about after the fact, but he did make a point of including me at times when obviously the others would've just ignored me.

He and I have gone through a lot together and over the years, there's always been a bit of an on-again/off-again crush on my side. That sneaky "what if" creeping in. I tend to tell myself realistically that it would be a bad idea. I don't think we'd know how to be more than friends with each other anyway and there's some things we differ on that I know would seem small, but would likely end up causing problems. I also know that deep down, I still feel he could have stood up for me more as a kid. But he was a popular kid - the most well liked guy I've ever known, it's impossible for anyone to dislike him. He's just a nice guy all around. Quiet and polite - the guy every girl dreamed of taking home to mom. When he took a girl to prom it was a big deal. They kind of dated for awhile, but not really. It ended badly with her really doing a number on him in that she had led him on. Since then he's always been a little gun shy and incredibly secretive about any girl he does see usually until after the fact. Until now.

Turns out S found himself a summer romance. They've been seeing each other for 2.5 months and it's been official for 1. He decides to tell me this via msn very randomly last night when I said "Hey - how was your weekend?" When I pressed him about why he hadn't told me sooner he was like "I guess it never came up?" We spent 8 hours in a car one day the last week of August because he offered to drive up to an interview I had so I would be on my own. How does something like this not come up when I'm telling the stories of my dating misadventures?

This past February, we were both at a birthday party and I was saying how I was sick of going to formals alone and that I was thinking I'd take a blow up doll to the one I had coming up in April. His drunk ass offers to go with me. S hates formals, hates dressing up, hates dancing, and was in a completely different program. I told him not to worry about it, but he insisted and we did go together. It was nice, but ended up feeling a bit awkward after the fact. We barely saw each other all summer because we were both working so much and just busy with life in general - that was part of the reason he said he offered to drive up to my interview with me, so we could catch up.

But why not tell me he had a new girlfriend? I feel like he was expecting a weird reaction from me almost - like I'd be upset. Or just...something. Not me basically declaring I wanted to meet her and then peppering him with questions about what she studied in school/what's she doing now, etc. Why keep me in the dark when I've always thought we were really good friends? I do think he wanted to spare my feelings - whether it was because he felt bad about my misadventures with Engineer Boy or because he wonders if I have a thing for him, I don't know. At this point I suspect he at least has some idea I liked him when we were growing up/in high school. So I dropped some info about Work Boy to help set his mind at ease.

It is weird though. I think I always sort of see S as my ultimate go-to guy. He was my first crush and all of us kind of agree he's like the gold standard among the guys. I'm also one of the few people who has gotten pissed off with him and called him out on something. We had our first actual fight in November because he'd canceled on hanging out twice - day of and I was pissed because I'd made room in a very busy schedule so I could see him. But we had this big fight and then everything was fine and we were able to resolve the issue and move on.

For years we had these sort of unspoken rules about what we did and didn't talk about with each other. Then after I came back from my year abroad I made a point of completely upsetting those rules on purpose to get a reaction out of him.

So I suppose I do still think that maybe in the end we'll end up together. We grew up down the street from each other. It would be the movie kind of ending. Because it did sort of hit me like a ton of bricks when he said he had a girlfriend. I wasn't expecting that since I've been so focused on Work Boy. I think it's more of the now wanting what I can't have and feeling a bit blindsided by it. I guess it's also because for a long time S has been saying he's not looking for anything at the moment and that he figures he'll find someone in a few years and end up married around 28. I took that as a don't even waste my time then since he was pretty set on focusing on his Masters. Guess he changed his mind.

And it's weird, because I do really like Work Boy. But the thing is he does sort of remind me of S sometimes. Yet very different at the same time. And considering he's known me for a much small span of time, he picked up very quickly how to best talk me down when I'm stressed. I worry though that S and I not hanging out so much this summer, I subconsciously looked for a replacement guy. I mean S and I talked regularly on MSN, but I needed someone that I saw regularly and Work Guy was there. And the thing is - I miss seeing him all the time. A lot. I got used to his consistent presence in my life. The grin he'd give me when I walked in. And - as always - how adorable he is with kids. I hadn't had such a sudden impact of head over heels in awhile - at least not in an emotional context. It's one thing to fall for the guy who is charming and witty with words. It's another to fall for the guy who finds you extra binder dividers cause you mention that you need some.

An Education

I will state up front that I have an obvious bias when it comes to how I feel children should be educated. This stems from the fact that I am pursuing a career as a teacher and I take my chosen profession very seriously.

I'm going to talk about home schooling and unschooling. Unschooling is a relatively new trend, with about 10% of home school students in the USA subscribing to the idea. You can check out this link for more. The link also contains a clip from ABC news which shows a reporter speaking with some unschool kids.

I'll start with the obvious - giving your child all the power to choose everything and anything just seems like a really dumb idea. I understand the ideal behind the idea of trying to encourage learning through doing and allowing kids to find their passion. However, that utopia is likely to go unrealized in most, if not all cases. In my opinion, you need to put some amount of pressure on children in the form of expectations and rules. If you have no expectations for your children in terms of what they're going to do, why would they do anything? When it comes to my students or my participants at camp, I always have very high expectations for behaviour and academically. I have found that when they realize what my expectations are, if we have a positive rapport, they will do their best to go about trying to exceed my expectations. They want to work to impress you and many end up getting something more out of it.

For example, the issue of behaviour. I have had too many kids with behavioural problems to be able to count. Not all of them end up coming around, but many do. One of the camps I supervise in the summer is in a very rough area. I actually worked there as a counsellor my first year. I know the area and I know the kids. My staff this year really struggled to maintain order. However, all it takes is me showing up and speaking with the individuals and they're back on track and trying really hard. In fact, one of the kids was very eager to let me know that he was having a much better time the next day when I saw him. He said he felt better and he had even tried one of the techniques I'd told him to help calm down. He said he was having more fun because he was participating and was getting along with his peers. He's eight and he was able to articulate all this. Then he thanked me for actually listening to him and trying to understand where he was coming from because he had disclosed to me that there was a lot of stress at home. Again, he's 8. We ended up talking about how he could try to take what he learned at camp and use it in school too so he wouldn't get in so many fights anymore. He ended up telling me he wished all his teachers had taken as much time to talk to him as I was doing and that he really hoped I got a teaching job soon.

That's obviously a success story. I haven't always had that kind of success, but still. It leaves a mark on you. Whether or not he follows through, I'll probably never know. But I hope he does. Sometimes it really does just take one adult to help turn a kid around.

Back to home schooling though. I have many other issues with the whole concept of removing a child from a formal school environment. I know there are many reasons why parents do such a thing, one of the main reasons being this fear of bullying and the wish to shelter their children.

Here's the thing - I went through hell and back from gr.6-8 in terms of being bullied by essentially my entire class. Many were more bystanders, but they didn't stick up for me because they didn't want to be targeted. I was an easy target at the time. I'd always been a tomboy so I didn't have any really close female friends when we got to gr.6 and puberty suddenly hit. I was the only major female athlete in our class. I also had short hair, had gotten glasses in gr.5 and verged on being classified as gifted in terms of academic. Talk about having every single bloody target on your back eh?

(Random Long Tangent: I was never formally tested, but I know there was talk of having me skip a grade. Looking back having learned about the classifications for exceptionalities while completing my education degree, I definitely think had I been tested they would have determined I was gifted in language arts in particular. Unfortunately, because my class as a whole struggled and the majority were behind the provincial standard or just scraping by in hitting that standard, there wasn't much room for enrichment in the classroom. As a result I was never challenged academically until I got to university, and at that point I was so used to everything coming so easily to me while doing the bare minimum I wasn't motivated to spend hours agonizing over thesis papers anymore. I did the minimum in order to get my B average and was happy with that. There are certain subjects I enjoyed a lot and would initially try much harder in, but unfortunately those were also usually classes with stuffy professors who should only be allowed to research and not teach because they have zero enthusiasm whatsoever. Whenever I had an enthusiastic professor or TA though, I busted my ass. I got an A in my fourth year Canadian History seminar. As a general rule, Canadian History bores the snot out of me - especially Cold War era Canadian History.)

In any event - I was the punching bag for three years of school. While I still struggle with insecurities (and frankly think that I should perhaps see a therapist at times), I've powered through it and I live my life and I enjoy my life. Sure I have my dark moments, but overall I'm doing exceptionally well. And, having gone through that, I am very good at picking out bullying issues in my camp and dealing with it so that the victim doesn't end up feeling the way I did. The administration at my school ultimately never seemed to follow through on anything and I could never understand why my bullies were never punished effectively. That doesn't mean now I try to destroy the bullies that pop up in my camp, but I do address it. Immediately. I actually apply different methods I've learned in workshops or just from trial and era instead of assuming it will sort itself out. What makes this even better though is one of the main offenders actually apologized to be at a party in February, said how much he admired that I hadn't let it get me down and had gone on to do amazing things. He also mentioned that I'm super hot now and he'd always thought I was cute anyway.

Anyways - back to homeschooling specifically. Again, I do understand the basic idea behind some of the reasoning. However, while there are issues in the education system, homeschooling ultimately, in my opinion, does your child a huge disservice. They are not exposed to the outside world, they aren't learning how to socialize and work in that structured environment. They think they are the centre of the universe and everything they say is right. They aren't challenged enough. I could go on. I see this in the kid I babysit. He's 10, but academically he's functioning at a gr.3 level from what I've seen. His social skills with his own age group are also lacking.

The important aspects of school include that you are exposed to ideas outside of your little family unit. You are exposed to different teaching styles as you go through the system. Hopefully you are in a system that is regulated in terms of who is allowed to teach so that they actually know what they're doing. (Although even then there are poor teachers at times.) However, it is important to have those experiences of learning how to operate under someone else's rules. This will ultimately help you in the future when you have a job that has rules, regulations, expectations, etc.

This is probably all over the place, but I really feel that homeschooling and this new unschooling movement does kids a huge disservice.

The Bar Scene

Over the summer I didn't really go to the bar that much, largely because I was busy with about fifty billion other things, but also because the crowd I hung out with during school last year has largely left town - either moving home or moving on to jobs elsewhere. However, during my year at teacher's college I was frequenting the bars/clubs an obscene amount by my previous standards. In fact, during the fall we were actually going out every Friday and every Saturday.

Now, when I out to a bar/club, I'm going with my friends and I'm there to dance and hang out - not pick up. I've mentioned before that I tend to fall for my guy friends, or at least guys who run in the same social circle as me. As such, I don't usually display any interest in guys who may hit on me in the bar. In fact, I usually don't notice unless someone points it out to me. I tend to get wrapped up in my own little world a lot of the time anyway and when it comes to guys hitting on me, if I have no interest in them, I just don't pick up on it because I'm not looking for it.

So the other day, as a friend of mine and I were discussing our success and failures with guys, we both started realizing that both of us do get hit on more than we had originally thought. The unfortunate part is it's usually guys in bars that we don't have interest in, not guys we actually have an interest in. Both of us tend to measure if guys are interested in us by if they ask us for our number, which for both of us is not something that happens often, and when it does it usually results in nothing anyway so even that isn't a good measure of the level of interest a guy has in you.

Now neither of us have any desire to meet our significant other in a bar. And frankly, most people looking to pick up in a bar, are not looking for a relationship.

Speaking for myself, I know that I'm not someone who is going to really go after a typical alpha. In the past I've ended up crushing on the alphas who will ultimately end up turning back into the good guys they started life as. I fall for them because they can be the charmer and do the witty banter back and forth with me - but these are still guys in my social circle that I'm friends with. I ultimately get the "just friends" and they aren't looking for a relationship anyway line. Later as we become good friends, having dealt with the sexual tension and had it fizzle out, in conversations I'll get told I'd make a great girlfriend, I'm cute, hot, funny, etc. Fantastic - so what you're saying is that yeah I'm great but you want someone who is hotter. I get it already.

But my personal favourite is when, at bars - (you thought I was totally off topic again didn't you!) - these guys turn into the over protective brother type friend. One night, a buddy of mine actually completely cockblocked me. Just flat out in the middle of a club, went from watching warily to full out pulling me away and being like "Hey dance with me!" I ended up calling him out on it later and reminded him I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. Not to mention how he'd already fed me the just friends line some time previously so unless he'd changed his mind he should back the fuck up if he sees me with a guy.

Bars/clubs are weird places to meet people anyway. They're loud and busy and you can't really have a conversation. Again - why people in bars/clubs are not really looking for a relationship past that night.

This post started out as a good idea but I kept getting distracted as I tried to write it so I have a feeling it's not particularly coherent.

Perspective

Perspective is an interesting thing. It's incredibly important in art so that your piece makes sense visually, but it can also be manipulated. Perspective is even more important in life. It gives you the ability to differentiate between what is important and what isn't so important. There's that idea that you have a jar that you put different sized rocks in, and then fill in the cracks with sand. The sand is all the little things in life that frustrate/annoy you, but the rocks are the big things to worry about.

I was visiting my grandma this weekend with my mom. As I've mentioned before, she's 92 and up until the suffering a stroke at the end of July, she lived on her own and took care of herself. Essentially one night she went to bed and everything was fine, then woke up and her whole world had changed. We've got her settled into the other nursing home now though and she's doing much better. But that week back in hospital was a major set back - I really do believe she has suffered a second stroke. The staff at this nursing home though are very much on top of things though and are making her do a lot of therapy even though she whines.

I discovered something Sunday morning though. I went to see her on my own while my mom was doing errands and she was much calmer with just me. She complained a bit, but wasn't whining. As soon as my mom showed up so the two of us could go to church up the street, grandma started whining like crazy. I'd already suspected she's more likely to behave if there's a grandkid there - after all that one weekend in the hospital when things had gone downhill, I was the only one who could get her to eat.

My mom figures I'm good with this sort of thing because I work with kids and I'm going into education as my career. It's very much a career that requires a lot of patience and people skills to be successful. While I'm not perfect, I do seem to have the skill set for it, as I've excelled in past jobs that involve working with kids. I don't put up with bullshit, but I also know when to pick my battles with kids. It's the same sort of thing with older people. They're old. They're set in their ways, etc. You need to know when to pick your battles with them. As you should with every other person you ever meet I realized.

It's something people talk about a lot when it comes to dealing with kids or romantic relationships - picking your battles. Knowing when you let go of something, or when to actually address what's bothering you. But it's the same thing with every other relationship - co-workers, friends, family, etc. You need to know when to get all worked up over something and when to just let it go.

You also need to know how to address something appropriately. Be rational and fight fair as it were. Don't come out all angry at the world and yelling because sometimes all you need to do is say "Hey, you know that thing you do? It really bothers me."

It's an interesting thing, perspective.

A few awesome things...

I've been mulling over a few different things to blog about today. I thought about doing something with some substance to it - like discussing some world event. Then I realized that would likely end up with me going on some big rant about something or other and I've been having mini rants over at Hooking Up Smart most of the afternoon.

Instead I have decided to do a random post of some awesome stuff. It's largely stuff that makes me laugh at the moment and I felt the need to share.

1. Regretsy
One of my more recent discoveries on the interwebz. Lots of snark and hilarity in response to some of the weird ass shit that gets posted on Etsy. For example -this vagina style bike seat cover (semi-NSFW), this giant penis sculpture (NSFW) and a real-life Batmobile. The whole site is hilarious for the whimsicle fuckery it displays.

2. Etsy
The inspiration for the above. I have yet to actually purchase anything on Etsy, but there is some cool shit on there that doesn't just involve vagina, penises and wtf-ness. I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but I used to knit a lot back in second and third year university. I got a bit too busy though with life after that though and the last thing I wanted to do after writing massive notes and typing huge essays was anything that required to move my hands/wrists in a repetitive motion. In any event, I used to be quite crafty as a kid too, and I've recently gotten back into knitting since I've re-discovered what free time is. There is something great about creating something tangible you can hold.

3. Lamebook
Everyone has one of those friends on facebook. The kid that posts some really stupid shit and it makes you want to just smack them upside the head. Then you're embarrassed that you're even facebook friends with them. Well - this is a site that celebrates the random stupid things people do on facebook. It's magical.

4. Legally Blonde the Musical
The entire thing is searchable on Youtube which is how I found it. I'd heard some of the songs before, but i sat down the other night and watched the entire thing. Gay or European has to be one of the funniest songs I've heard since...

5. Avenue Q
With songs like The Internet is for Porn and Everyone's a Little Bit Racist it's a snarky musical that never fails to make me laugh.

6. Emmy Intros
I don't really watch Award Shows. I will, however, search for funny bits after the fact once someone else has told me about it. The intro Conan did a few years ago is still makes me laugh. This years Glee inspired intro also made me laugh.

7. Scandinavia and the World
Webcomic I find hilarious having lived in Sweden for a year. :D

8. I'm on the supply list!
This isn't a clickable link and likely isn't nearly as awesome to you guys as it is to me, but still. It's pretty freaking awesome that I walked out of school and into an entry level job in my career path immediately following my summer job.

9. My killer Nine West red stilletos that I got in May but still absolutely adore - especially because they were only $30 at the outlet!

10. New season of Glee next week!

11. New season of Big Bang Theory also next week! (I think)

12. Oreos

13. Cake - especially celebration cake that I plan on having because I'm employed! (sorta)

14. All You Can Eat Buffets - that not only have prime rib and yorkshire pudding, but a massive dessert bar

15. Being able to just relax and enjoy life without freaking out about what I'm doing for the first time in years

Exciting News!

As of today I am officially employed by the local public school board in my hometown as a supply teacher!

Very exciting. I am no longer a grumpy bugger about everything. However, I do enjoy that one of the girls who commented on my facebook status actually wrote "Congratulations!! No luck on my end yet.... Oh well." I almost didn't post anything because I knew there would be some people who would react with "FML" the same way I've been reacting every time I've had to see that in someone else's status leading up until now.

However - I wasn't obnoxious about it and quite frankly I have worked my ass off to get even this. Supply is no guarantee of work either and I fully intend on continuing to work my ass off.

So yes - in quite a happy mood. And somewhat related to this...

Work Boy commented on my status.

"horray. told ya, lol. way to crop me out of your picture"

The last bit is in response to my new profile picture. I changed it last night. And yes I did crop him out of it - he's sitting in the chair beside in the original but was far enough away it could be cropped to a solo picture without that awkward look of his arm still being there type deal. Naturally in doing this, I had wondered if he would comment.

I posted the following on his wall:

"I didn't realize you would be so offended that you were cropped out of my profile picture, my bad lol. But it's not like I'm in your profile picture so I don't see why you feel the need to be in mine. :P
If it makes you feel better I had to crop my own hand out because I'm holding a beverage and I don't want potential employers seeing that in my profile picture."

We'll see if he fires back a snappy comeback. In the meantime, I'm going to be looking to see if he wants to go out and celebrate my success with me. :)

Ah...sweet relief of having some kind of employment in my chosen career field!

Suddenly it all makes sense...

I hope everyone is enjoying their long weekend! I've used mine to learn some things about myself apparently. Apparently indulging in a few drinks with the family late Sunday night will do that for you.

As those who have read the preceding entries know, I have spent a good portion of my summer agonizing over Work Boy. A typical nice guy, who to my knowledge has never had a girlfriend (not that I've asked, more of an assumption). He seems like the type of guy who would get friend-zoned pretty quickly - kind of like a male version of myself. Supremely non-threatening to a girl because he's sort of dorky looking and again - typical nice guy. Not exactly the type of guy who is likely to get a lot of attention from the opposite sex. I know this - because when I showed his picture to a few friends of mine I actually had a few people who laughed and said he looked like a total geek. He's more likely to get the "awww...you're cute" in that condescending friend sense

But for me? I dunno - there's something about him that just makes me get all tingly. So he's a bit of an awkward dorky looking kid. So am I. He's always smiling and laughs easily. He's got that twinkle in his eye of someone who's got a few tricks up his sleeve. He's one of the few guys I've met that when I turned around day and he had a beard I wasn't weirded/grossed out by it - he looked like a man. He may not look like he'd do much good in a fight, but he sure as hell gives off the vibe that he'd do his damndest to protect you if he had to. He's genuine and cares. And when I see him with kids? *swoon*

That last bit right there is probably what sealed the deal for me to be honest. I have never seen a guy so at ease with children in my life. Adorable.

So all this helped me realize why I was having so much trouble approaching him and saying how I feel. He is a nice guy. Getting a no from him would hurt so much more as a result. Any other guy who I've had the stones to approach was not a typical nice guy. More of a player-type with default nice guy settings because while he was a player at the time, he's not destined to stay that way. Plus, by the time I had the guts to approach them, I already pretty much knew the answer was no so I was really just after closure.

But Work Boy...I'm terrified of what the answer might be, because if I do get a no then it's like "Well...shit."

We were both at a work get-together last weekend. (As in one of the other co-ordinators invited all of us to her cottage but only a few of us went.) We were two of the six people that ended up spending the night at the cottage. We were both pretty loaded by the time darkness fell. We had spent the whole time basically pairing off - partly because of who else was there and we get on well and know each other well cause we worked in the same area. We had a lot of good conversation and a few specific moments I'm still not entirely sure what to make of.

We still talk regularly online. But now we won't hardly see each other so somethings gonna have to give if this is gonna work out the way I would like. As in...I need to woman up about it and just go in headlong like I do with most other things in my life. Ugh...I know I have little to lose by just going for it.

And the other thing is - my crushes, generally speaking, do not survive more than 2-3 months. Work Boy is at the crucial 3 months right now. He's also weathered the interloper for my attention in terms of Captain Douchebag. However, what's going to happen when we aren't seeing each other all the time and he's back at school and I'm set to be unemployed for the time being until something comes along?

Who knows. But why is it so hard to just ask if the guy wants to go get a coffee?

I have my own problems

I tend to be the go-to person in my group of friends for many things - especially if one needs a favour or someone to cheer them up. Apparently I actually come across as very nice and approachable which I've always found hilarious cause I think of myself as a bit of a bitch. However, I do tend to bend over backwards for my friends and at times have found myself being taken advantage of.

Now the problem is when I get to be in a shitty mood, I don't want to deal with other people's problems. The other problem is, when you are the person who provides this service to others in your group, you don't really have someone to turn to.

As I sit here, my summer job has ended except for getting called in for a few extra hours here and there. I've had two interviews for teaching jobs - one for the supply list in my hometown which I haven't heard back from yet (that was 2.5 weeks ago now) and one for an LTO (long term occasional - so a maternity leave) about four hours away (that was on Wednesday). I just got a call that I didn't get the LTO. I wasn't really expecting to, but it still sucks. Basically - I'm looking at being gainfully unemployed after today aside from the occasional babysitting gig. Hurray! Volunteering will be fine, but I need a damn job.

Additionally - the whole boy situation after the doomed encounter with Captain Douchebag (formerly known as Engineer Boy) has bottomed out.

So the last thing I want to be hearing from my friends right now are the following things:

1. "Oh I'm on the supply list but I don't think I'll get any calls and it's stressing me out."
2. "I'm really nervous about starting next week. What if my students hate me?"
3. "I have so much lesson planning to do!"
4. "I got offered an LTO, but I'm not going to take it because I already told my old boss I'd be back to teach dance while I did supply work."
5. "How current does my pastoral reference need to be?" - from the girl who is on two supply lists and got offered an LTO but didn't take it yet still wants more STFU
6. "My boyfriend is meeting the family tonight and I'm really nervous."
7. "My boyfriend did xyz for me - it was so cute!"

You get the idea.

I'm unemployed and single. So STFU. I don't give a flying fuck about your so called 'problems' because you know what? I would kill to have those problems right now! I spent yesterday sitting on my ass doing nothing and guess what I discovered? I suck at being unemployed. I also jump out of my skin every time the phone rings. Only to be disappointed.

I understand if it's your first teaching gig, you're nervous and you need to talk about it. But seriously? When my response is "Yeah I still have nothing" maybe that's a clue to stop talking about it.

This is all compounded by the fact that I keep finding out that people who should never be allowed anywhere near children keep getting jobs. Just fuck off.

Whatever - I'm helping out another co-ordinator this afternoon with her camp so that'll keep me busy and away from the phone. At least most of my friends who are getting jobs are in different subject areas than me.

Re: How Guys Really Feel About the Girls They Hook Up With

This started as a comment over at Susan's latest post in Hooking Up Smart but then I thought it would fit better here.

Being a girl who has always been considered "one of the guys" has had it's drawbacks, but it's also shown me the dark side of hooking up because guys really do talk. A lot. The shit I've heard guys talk about? Just wow. And when it gets back to other girls? Girls can get blacklisted on all sides.

For example, in October Girl 1 and Guy 1 were kindda hooking up. However, they had decided they were exclusive, even though she was pushing for a relationship. In fact many people actually thought Girl 1 was with Guy 2 because they hung out so much in public. There's your first clue that it's probably going no where - no one even knows you're together. By Halloween we all sort of knew though - mainly because people had realized myself and Guy 2 would flirt/dance a lot when we were drunk and the story had got out that we'd made out one night after sharing a cab home. Ultimately went no where when I found it at the end of November that he was hung up on a girl back home, but we became really good friends out of it. I got the standard "You're really cool, but I just like you as a friend cause I like this other girl..." talk. Anyways Girl 1 left the Halloween party early and goes home to wait for Guy 1. On his way home, Guy 1 ends up banging Girl 2 in a stairwell. Goes home to Girl 1, tells her this happened. I believe they just went to bed after that.

Girl 2's defence, via her friends, was that she had just gotten out of a very serious 4 year relationship. It was concluded that Girl 2 knew perfectly well about Girl 1 and her relationship with Guy 1.

Two weeks later, Girl 2 ends up making out with Guy 2, despite knowing that there is still something sort of going on between me and him. Girl 1 and Guy 1 decide to insert themselves into the situation to "save him from her." I found out about this later as I'd left the club at that point and gone home.

Ultimately, Girl 1 ended up pretty much blacklisted for the entire rest of the year by the entire faculty. After those two incidents no one would really go near her - guy or girl - unless they'd already been friends with her for awhile or somehow hadn't heard about her antics.

For my part, I didn't care that she'd made out with Guy 2 that much because I knew I had no real claim. However, since she and I had a conversation about how I was confused about the situation earlier in the evening it bugged me on that level.

By contrast - I had made out with Guy 2 the one night. The only reason people even found out was because Girl 1 and one of her friends ended up blabbing - and even then a lot of people still didn't know, as I discovered at the end of the year when I made some joke about it then had to explain. He hadn't said anything. In fact, when things had even started progressing that night between the two of us I had stopped him and laid the ground rules and his response was "I know." When we talked about it quite some time later (as in like January) he said that I hadn't really needed to spell it out for him because he knew I wasn't "that type of girl" and was impressed that I stood my ground about it.

So I didn't get blacklisted by the entire faculty, but guys knew not to waste their time by hitting on me at the bars because I wasn't going to put out. Plus Guy 2 morphed into a bit of an over-protective brother the odd time if he felt someone with a questionable reputation was trying to get me home.

That's generally what ends up happening with me though - no matter where I go. In fact I vividly recall one night about 2 years ago when I walked home a little drunk after we'd finished a show then stayed at the pub. I left with a guy, but no one even thought anything of it because even though he had started whoring around since he'd broken up with his long term girlfriend 4 weeks previously, it was me. That was my year abroad and a lot of guys had been trying very unsuccessfully for the entire year to sleep with me and it had never worked. So even though my guy friend and I had been flirting like crazy the whole night (he'd lent me his coat since we were out on the roof top patio), no one thought anything of it. (Again - another example of how I set the boundaries right away even though I was drunk and the guy just went "I know" and later on told me in the sober light of day he knew I wasn't "that type of girl" and added that I deserved better than some slutbag like him anyway. He's become my go-to straight guy for advice since.)

However - if you look at what I'm doing here, it doesn't seem to work in the college setting. At all. I end up being the girl who can hang out with the guys and sometimes will make out with them, without them expecting more because it's me and I'm not that type of girl, but I don't get anything more than that. I also end up becoming better friends with them afterwards - likely because the sexual tension has been dealt with and fizzled for both parties by that point. So I end up with a lot of guy friends who get protective of me in certain situations and I end up becoming what I term "the emotional girlfriend" for them. As in - while they go and sleep around, I provide the emotional support of a steady girlfriend without any of the drama because we aren't actually together.

And yes before someone else points it out - I realize I'm getting a bit of a rare deal out of it here. I'm the friend and the support system the crave but what do I get out of it. I know - stop enabling them, whatever, etc. But - they are my friends and they try and hook me up as well with nice guys if they can - or at least will sit and give me advice on how to handle guys. Does it get frustrating to hear my guy friends say that I would make an awesome girlfriend, but they don't want to date me themselves? Of course. Is it somewhat mitigated by the fact that they reassure me that I'm attractive and a good catch. Yes.

And remember Engineer Boy who I went on three dates with in August? Turns out he may not have just wanted my friend's number his friend that Saturday night. He started texting her the same Sunday he blew me off via text. And when she didn't reply, tried again on Monday. Monday night she called me and we had a long chat about the whole thing. I said ultimately I wasn't going to tell her to do one thing or another but that quite bluntly I thought it was a real dick move on his part. She agreed, and eventually texted him back saying that she felt he'd put her in a very awkward position and therefore couldn't hang out with him.

Upon hearing this story every single one of my guy friends has immediately said some combination of the following sentiments:

1. You deserve better
2. What an asshole
3. Are you ok?
4. What about the guy from work?
5. Want me to beat him up?
6. You're being super classy about this whole thing

Does it suck? Yeah. It's a big hit to the self esteem because while I'm kind of used to getting passed over for my friends by guys, it's usually not after I've already actually had a few dates with him. Well except for when my date to the spring ball in third year ended up making out with my friend, but we'd gone together but not like "together together."

And when I admit the hit to my self esteem my guy friends are immediately all over trying to cheer me up by again pointing out he's an asshole and that I'm awesome and deserve so much better and that I'm super hot and adorable all at once. And when I point out that most days I don't care one whit about my appearance, some of them will point out that's what makes me so cute.

And ultimately - I know my buddies are going to make damn sure that no guy takes advantage of me and that if they ever catch a guy talking shit about me they'll probably be there in an instant to beat the crap out of him.

Texting = not always your best option

Last night was date number 3 with Engineer Boy. I brought my friend and we hung out with him and his roommate. It was alright - good conversation although I started feeling kind of out of it. I'd developed a headache before I left and had taken an advil. I felt a bit better, but then we didn't eat dinner until really late. This doesn't usually fly with my system, which likes to randomly revolt. As it did last night as we were walking back to the boys' apartment.

My system revolted so much that it emptied the contents of my dinner onto the grass. Not that it had much to empty because I hadn't been able to stomach much to be honest.

Delightful.

Anywho - we said goodbye. He gave me a hug and kissed my forehead. As we were driving he texted saying his roommate would like my friend's number type deal. Gave it to him, he just texted back thanks. I sent one saying 'sorry I'm so lame for getting sick' or whatever.

I get home and it turns out I have a fever of over a hundred. Yep. It was not a fun night.

But the real kicker is the following. I had a game this afternoon but as I was leaving I went to check my phone. I have the following text:

"Hey {insert my real name}. I don't think this is gonna work out. You're a great girl but I just don't really feel a click. Sorry"

Initial reaction - why the hell didn't you at least call? Geez grow a pair.

Initial possible response - calling him to tell him he should have at least called.

Second possible response that put the kiabosh on the previous psycho response - I will not reply.

Third response, and course of action taken - drive home and go online to talk to people to get advice on reply. Send measure reply of following:

"Hey - no worries. Thanks for dinner last night. Hopefully you don't end up sick like I am now. Guess this is what I get for working with kids lol"

Anyways - I initially had gotten up and left this post not knowing if he would reply and while disappointed, wasn't overly fussed because - hey, just not my style and I still got work boy.

While I was eating dinner though - the following text came in:

"I'm glad you're not upset. We should still hang out sometime. I do still owe you a dinner after all. I wouldn't be too worried I don't get sick ofter. So you're still not feeling better?"

My response:

"Not really - I still had a bit of a fever this morning but I took some meds. Although trying to be a hero by going to soccer was stupid, but we had no subs."

Gonna go out on a limb and guess that probably my tom-boyish-ness is what is making it not click for him. He probably hasn't quite clued in that I remind him too much of a buddy of his or something. Cause I mean that would probably do it - and since I'm clueless about dating I usually don't know how to approach these sorts of situations so I instead act like a friend.

But hey - at least now I'm fully launched officially into the adult dating world post-university and had my first date since first year uni in 2006. Go team!

Labels & Commitment

I had an interesting conversation with my friend J last night. She was asking about how things were going with Engineer Boy. I had a second date with him on Monday after work. It was just me hanging out at his place. We watched Zombieland and some tv. Talked a bunch. It was very nice, very relaxed. His dog is adorable and I think I scored major points because I am such an animal person.

It was nice - very comfortable - dare I say, domestic even. Initially a bit awkward and also I was a bit annoyed when he was texting like crazy on his phone. I think he saw my face at one point though because then he suddenly explained that his friend just lost his job and was bored out of his mind. It was weird though - we were sitting on the couch but it was one of those L-shaped ones, so he was on the one side sprawled out and I was on the other.

I think his roommate hid in his room the whole time which was kindda weird cause we didn't even do anything. We didn't even cuddle lol! Anyways - he only made a move when I was leaving and standing awkwardly in his hallway. Then he sort of went "come here" and pulled me in for a kiss so we stood in his front hall kissing/making out for a bit, but I think he's going to keep it slow which is more than ok by me. But it's a bit weird at the same time. I mean - he kept his hands above the waist the entire time and it took awhile for the kissing to progress to anything deeper. At one point we broke apart slightly and he kissed my forehead which was really cute.

Here's the thing though - that was date number two. We have a date planned for tomorrow - a double date in fact. I'm bringing a friend for his roommate who also happens to be his best friend. And the boys are cooking us dinner. I said I'd bring the wine - figured it was a valid contribution.

Anyways - Engineer Boy had invited J and her new bf (his friend), but they can't come cause J has work until late. However, I guess after her boy got the invite he asked her if she knew what the status was with me and Engineer Boy. So she asked me.

This made me feel incredibly awkward. Not because I don't know, but because I hadn't really given it much thought. I don't think you can really decide on a label and the level of commitment this early on when you barely know each other. At least not really anyway. I mean - he and I haven't had any kind of conversation about what we're after. And I hope we don't for some time yet. I realized suddenly following my conversation with J that my "whatever" attitude towards the whole thing wasn't very typical - at least not for a girl. When I started to think about it I realized a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are still getting to know each other.

But then J started on about how she and her guy had the conversation very early on about what they were looking for etc and I realized that's just not how I work. Maybe I would feel differently if I wasn't still kindda torn between Engineer Boy and my feelings for Work Boy - who has suddenly stepped up his game a bit too in random little ways it seems. But I really doubt it. I don't want to suddenly be in some sort of labeled commitment/relationship just because the guy happened to ask me out. Engineer Boy seems to be taking it slow and I'm ok with that. I don't need a label right now.

It's weird though because overall he's the obvious pursuer in whatever it is that we're doing. I'm not used to that. I don't think I've ever been obviously pursued in such a way. To be honest - it's making me extremely flighty. He tends to be the one to text me first and tends to be the one to text last. I do like the attention but I'm not used to it.

In any event - the boys are making dinner tomorrow and it should be fun. But I still don't need a label at the moment and I'm happy to see hwo things go.

First Date

So...I went on a date last night. With the guy I met on Friday. We'd been texting since Monday when I got back from the states where I was visiting my grandma in hospital. He'd actually texted Sunday night but my phone was off to avoid roaming charges. Anyways - we kept texting Monday/Tuesday, Tuesday night in particular after I got home from soccer. We were trying to figure out when we could go out, but I have a game Friday and he might be out of town Saturday. But then yesterday rolled around...

He texted and I got it much later when on a whim I checked my personal phone between visiting my camps. His plans for the evening had canceled and was I free. I waited until I got home to respond because I had to think about if I could justify going out when I had a lot of paperwork that I'm behind on. Well...I decided to go.

So he picked me up just after 6 - with only minor awkwardness from the parents at the door and we went to see Inception. We went early, not knowing which movie/time we were going to. So we had about 30 minutes before the movie started to talk and what not. Conversation was ok. Movie was pretty good. Afterwards we went for drinks, but I wimped out and got a decafe coffee cause I just had a bad feeling with my nerves making my stomach uneasy. When I get really nervous/anxious I can get physically ill...which sometimes means vomitting and little things - particularly alcohol set me off. However, I also know that milk/dairy has a similar effect at times. So just in case, I made the cover early on about the milk as I poured it in saying "I probably shouldn't be having milk so late, but whatever." I was fine, just more exhausted then anything so we bailed at about 10ish. Then sat in my driveway in his car talking for awhile when he dropped me off.

Overall...it was an ok date. I don't really date so I don't have much to compare it to. However...I did start comparing him to my work husband/crush. One noticeable difference that is bad news for Engineer Boy? He can't seem to really make me laugh the same way as Work Boy.

Now that's not to say we didn't have some good conversation. There were minor awkward moments - like when he was asking what my parents do and then I asked him and after he replied he got kindda silent...then throws out that he hasn't spoken to his father in like 3 years.

And I mean I guess he wasn't lying when he was saying he's kindda shy cause I could definitely sense that was part of it at times - and I know I'm a bit much and over the top. It's also how I tend to deal with awkwardness. it gets compounded in those situations. And I mean, he is nice. He was really surprised when I flat out said "No - I'm buying the drinks because you paid for the movies." So I dunno how he took it with that move in particular.

We did kiss when he dropped me off though. But it was the most awkward kiss lead-up I think I've ever experienced. I was going to get out and he's kindda like "Ok - kiss?" So I did lean over and kiss him, but who just asks like that? You set the moment and it happens usually. And it was ok, but it didn't make me go "oh wow" by any means.

And other little things that in conversation that came up that aren't really deal breakers by any means but worthy of attention cause it could lead to problems. Like he said he's a bit of a neat freak. Then also says he's a bit of a control freak. Stuff like that. The latter was when he was driving me home and we were talking about the tortures of packing and he was like "I prefer to just do it myself cause I'm a bit of a control freak." Whenever something like that comes out it's a big red flag for me because I don't do well with people telling me what to do. At all.

So I dunno. I would give him a second chance, but compounding the issue is Work Crush.

I even spent a good chunk of this week with Work Crush. Tuesday I had to pick soemthing up so I hung out and talked to him for awhile killing time. Wednesday we had to meet with our supervisor and another co-ordinator but for quite awhile it was the two of us being stupid together. And then I also saw him at the end of the day when i dropped my staff off at his camp - and this was after I'd already seen the text from Engineer Boy. I think Work Crush knows something is up and he needs to do something. We'll see.

Umm...what?

So you know how life sometimes just, ya know, happens?

I've been so wrapped up with work for the most part and then crush-wise been totally focused on the boy from work...I totally forgot to be self-conscious when meeting a cute new boy.

Who then asked for my number and wants to try to go see Inception together.

...what?

I was out with my friend J and her new boyfriend and he brought his buddy. Now I was so worried this would be awkward when J and her bf got couple-y, as I knew they would once she'd had a few drinks in her, but I figured at least I won't be the third wheel. Was not even thinking "Hey maybe he'll be cute and be interested in me."

Well...apparently he thought I was cool enough to ask for my number.

I'm still flabbergasted. I never get asked for my number. Ever. Especially not by someone sober and who seems put together with a career laid out in front of him and who is really good looking.

Can I just repeat that I never get asked for my number? Ever.

First a teaching interview call yesterday and now a boy asks for my number.

Hell must be freezing over.

It's about time my good karma came back around in my favour.

That's so cute, I just puked in my mouth a little

I was originally going to post about this last week, but then with grandma's health issues it didn't seem appropriate and I kind of forgot about it. Grandma is doing better now though and she's improving. I'm realistic that at 92, things can change very suddenly for her - however - she's so stubborn she's not going without a fight. She may be down right now, but she's not out. Not yet.

Anyways - I'm one of those people who isn't always into those cutesy sort of things. Not my style. In fact, when a friend of mine was gushing about her new boyfriend the other day I responded with "That's so cute, I just puked in my mouth a little." I sure am classy aren't I?

However, last Thursday afternoon I had my own little cutesy moment with the boy. I had spent lunch time and considerably longer than lunchtime in his staff room eating and doing work. But ultimately I was procrastinating because I had to go to the pool and confront one of my staff about some stuff. This staff also happens to be significantly older than myself and is also a very tall/big male. I'm not easily intimidated, however, I also know how quickly someone can flip their personality when you're calling them out on something. Even if it had been some 16 year old stick-thin girl I wouldn't have wanted to.

Anyways, the boy knew I was procrastinating about this and was joking and telling me to remember my crisis prevention training and saying that his camp had a first aid kit with them. My response - "It's not going to be me that needs the first aid kit. I'll be running from the cops." "Well my house is across the street and my brother is home, you can hide out there."

Ultimately I did start to leave to go deal with this. He walks me out to the parking lot, I dump my stuff in my car and off I go. It went...about as expected, but in the end I'm the boss and it was a message delivered from my boss as well.

Anyways, I then had someone meeting me to pick up some payroll stuff so I was going to be awkwardly standing in the parking lot beside my car. So I called the boy and told him that if his kids looked out and saw some random standing there it was probably me. "Well...someone will be watching you" is his response with laughter. "Oh so I'll see a ball cap peeking out over the window ledge?" "No - my hat's in my car." "So...I'll see a forehead?" As I got closer I realize he's actually in the classroom that faces the lot and we both turn and wave - still on our phones. We continue talking on our phones as we're looking at each other across the lot/through the window. He then wanted to show me the craft he was testing out so I walk over and we continue talking on our phones...and we're like 5 feet away from each other.

Neither of us really seemed to clue in that we could open the window at this point. This continues until I go "Does this window open?" It did. We laughed and high fived through said window. And continued talking, with him doing his craft. We only stopped when reality called - as in I started getting phone calls and it interrupted us and he realized he had to go back to his camp.

It was a nice shared moment though.

That's Life

So work has been kicking my ass this week. As has my online course. And - to top it all off - my grandma had a stroke yesterday. She's in hospital, but doing well and is being moved to rehab soon. Obviously the latter is what I'm most concerned about at the moment, but I know she's a tough old broad and she's lucid and talking so things are looking ok for the moment.

In any event, that's life. I've realized over the years that life seems to go in cycles. The past few years it's noticeably been a cycle that switches through the course of the year between school and my summer job. But it's more detailed than that. I go through weird periods of time with emotional cycles.

Emotional cycles include those times where I'm overly optimistic about the future and I feel on top of the world. They also include those times where I grow steadily more cynical about the future and I begin picking out names for my future cats. Even at my most cynical though I tend to maintain a certain amount of humour - as shown by the idea that I would pick out names for my cats like Murray cause I think it'd be fun to say - as in Furry Murray.

Anyways - I'm in a weird cycle that is typical of me at the moment though where I yo-yo back and forth between how I feel because I can't decide if my life is going anywhere or not. More specifically - this current yo-yo is linked to the boy as I continue to avoid actually bringing up the subject with the only person who could actually answer my question.

But now - with my grandma in hospital - this other stuff doesn't matter as much and I feel guilty that it matters at all. Funny how things can be put into perspective eh? I usually am pretty good at keeping my perspective, but I do allow myself to get swept away on the high that is infatuation at times. I like to think it's my little dopamine vacation from reality.

So my question is this - do you find yourself also going in cycles of how you feel?

Stop making excuses

This is directed at everyone who like me makes a lot of excuses about why they won't just spit it out and go talk to a guy. Popular excuses I myself have used:

1. What if he says no? It'll be so awkward.
2. But we work together.
3. We have class together.
4. We're in the same group of friends.
5. But I've known him forever - it would just be weird to try and bring it up.
6. But I just can't!
7. I don't know what to say.
8. I'll feel like a loser.
9. I tried before and it didn't work.
10. Why can't he say something first?

Now here's the thing - these are excuses for a reason. You know what you want, so why don't you go after it? I know this for myself and I constantly find ways to give myself reasons not to put myself in a vulnerable position. However - I have done it. Multiple times. It's usually a "Let's just stay friends" type of response. In 2 cases it was actually with guys I'd already made out with. One was rebounding (hard) after breaking up from his long term girlfriend (they were still technically sharing an apartment too). One was still hung up on another girl. Both times I made out with a guy then asked what it meant the make out had been when both parties involved were at some state of intoxication that allowed for previously controlled flirting to escalate.

I recognize there can be circumstances surrounding different things - believe me I am the Queen of going on about the circumstances as to why I don't want to be the one to make a move. Take my situation right now - my go to excuse? We work together.

But here's what I'm realizing - nothing ventured, nothing gained. Think of it in terms of Pascal's Wager.

You have two choices.

Choice 1: You never say anything.
Possible results:
- Nothing ever happens because he's not interested or is too chicken shit to say something the same way you are.
- He says something when you still like him and yay! He says something much later when you've moved on - either that he still loves you or he had a crush on you back in the day.

Choice 2: You say something.
Possible results:
- He says he's not interested. You now have closure. You move on with the help of ice cream and terrible movies and your girlfriends.
- He says he likes you too and yay!

Overall when it's spelled out like that - isn't your best option to just ask? I mean even if he says no at least you have an answer, right? It allows you to move on and be free from the "what if" possibilities that nag at you.

"But how do I know if he's actually interested?" you cry.

Simple. ASK HIM!

Let's see if I'll be able to take my own advice. Although in my defense I have in the past (and gotten "let's just be friends" every single time) and we do work together. ;)

Chaos

It always seems to me that I go from being bored to tears to being overwhelmed. This time I'm partly to blame in terms of being overwhelmed. I decided that on top of working a full time 40+ hour work week I would also take an online course for an additional teaching qualification. Not the best of ideas because I'm coming home from work absolutely exhausted it seems.

On top of that I have soccer - practices and games - and I'm trying to maintain some semblance of a social life by keeping up with friends. I had to say no when a buddy of mine asked if I wanted to play softball tonight. I really wanted to but I'm buried under work and I haven't even had dinner yet because my parents are out doing something and then we're going to eat together as we do.

This whole week has been one hell of a rollercoaster with it's ups and downs. It's giving me whiplash. Something will be going well and then suddenly something else happens. Injuries at my camps (nothing huge, but still stressful with paperwork and making sure everything is fine - especially when kids are making a huge deal out of every little thing). Behavioural issues at my camps. Staff almost quitting as a result of the behavioural issues at camp. Gaining yet another staff at one of my sites because numbers have been so high. Angry parents. Staff calling me at home at 10pm about something I didn't need to know about that night - or really at all. Realizing I'm not getting an interview with a school board who put out interview offers this week. Not sleeping enough. Having a shitty soccer practice.

Then there's the good times. Being interviewed for tv and then watching myself. Pirate Day was enjoyed by all - except me really because I spent so much time being the bad cop. But the kids had fun which is the important thing. The good kids - who get all excited when they see me and come running up to give me hugs screaming my name. Freezies. Realizing my staff respect and look up to me - and notably gaining the respect from some difficult staff (albeit grudgingly, but they've at least acknowledged that I've done this job long enough that I'm going to know more than them in some areas). Swimming with two of my camps yesterday. Seeing the work husband every day this week for some reason and talking online with him at night every night this week as well. Laughing with my staff - and getting my one super stressed out staff to laugh again on the phone after he was nearly in tears because of this shit day he had. Solving problems. The kids having a blast just chasing me around the gym because I was in a costume and being silly. Having friends who will listen to my ranting and raving.

Having the work husband ask me to save him a seat at the meeting tomorrow. The way he smiles at me. The way that he's all business with his camp and then as soon as he can makes a beeline to me in the pool. The look of annoyance he got when one of my staff came to ask me a question and totally interrupted him mid-sentence. His laugh. The back and forth banter. The way he haphazardly tries to divert my attention and make me laugh when I say I'm stressed out with the work stuff that happened this week. Watching him with his kids.

Oh I'm smitten alright.

Everything is so back and forth. I need something consistent and suddenly he is that person without even meaning to be. He had some great ideas about the one problem I've been having with my one camp and I'm going to use it.

I suppose it's the nature of my job to be back and forth and crazy, and I already knew I didn't do well with online learning so that explains that stress.

But I'll get through it because there's so many other GOOD things happening too.

Being a Third Wheel

Last night I was out at a local festival with a good friend of mine. Let's call her J. J and I are very similar in many respects - tomboy-ish, recent teacher's college grads, similar sarcastic sense of humour, etc. As a result the two of us get on really well and have a tendency to get off on tangents that other people don't always follow.

Anyways - last night we'd already been hanging out for probably about two hours when we added someone else to the mix. A friend of J's asked her if she would take their friend out for something because he'd been sitting at home alone, depressed and bored. J and I are both social people and don't have any problems adding other people when we go out. In fact we usually do. So this guy ended up meeting us at the festival and we meandered together and also ended up going for drinks after at a bar.

Walking to the bar he stopped us and said "No offense, you both seem really cool but I kind of feel like a third wheel."

We legitimately felt bad and immediately tried to temper the fact that the two of us kept getting caught up in our own conversations. Neither of us are the type to get super annoyed by such a comment because we are aware we get wrapped up in our own little world and we need someone to point it out to us - otherwise we forget they're even there.

But here's the other thing - we both did feel awkward about it because she barely knows this guy and I didn't know him at all. The only reason we invited him was because J's friend asked her to. She's maybe met him a handful of times and he's always been talkative before. And the cold hard truth? She invited him as a favour because she felt bad. In fact her comment in my car when we left was "I need to learn to say no."

Having three people go out together when there's one of the three who doesn't really know either of the other two particularly well is not going to work overly much. The two who know each other well will dominate the conversation and then you end up with the dreaded third wheel. This is when you need the buffer zone of at least a fourth person who maybe only really knows one of you.

We did feel bad though - particularly as we were letting our girly sides out a bit when we were looking at the different booths at the festival and because both of us were discussing our love lives or lack thereof. But we'd already been at it for 2 hours and found our stride and couldn't quite alter it mid-race, ya know what I mean?

So this is my PSA to all of you - if ever you find yourself going to hang out with two other people you don't know particularly well, but you think they might know each other well - get there at the beginning and nip it in the bud. Especially if it's girls. Don't let them get into girl talk mode before you've even arrived. You'll be bored and feel awkward and then it will make them feel super awkward and bad.

The Look

So I was over at Hooking Up Smart and Susan had asked me how things were going with my current crush in the comments section. I had then launched in on the play by play of yesterday. I then received this comment from someone else:

"So in other words, not much actually happened. And the guy might be as clueless as he may have been the day prior, right? Just wondering…"

This was my instant thought in my brain. "Fuck off - quit harshing my mellow!" The guy does have a point though. Except for one little detail - there was something else that happened because the pair of us where sharing "the look." This shared look is the one where you lock eyes and silent communication passes between you. In our case add in the presence of a camper and the fact that we were doing it to initially get her going when she was trying to guess my age and my hint was "Well...I'm older than him." Instant shared look of recognition of something that is a potential hurdle here for us. It was a conspiring look of shared mischief really before I decide to casually mention to the girl "You know he's psychic, right?"

By the end of the whole exchange the girl had a look on her face of "there is something going here." While he and I were laughing to beat the band.

There's something about eye contact.

Also - the way someone reacts when you first walk through the door unexpectedly, when they don't have time to hide what they're thinking because you've caught them off guard. However, when they then proceed to show you all the cool stuff they've been doing...kindda like when Lenoard meets Penny for the first time on The Big Bang Theory and is like "I have a board, look at my board."

I dunno - but that shared look...that kept happening when the two of us had been left alone in the office...

Workplace Romance

A work spouse is a co-worker (usually of the opposite sex) with whom one shares a special relationship, having bonds similar to those of a marriage; such as, confidences, loyalties, shared experiences, and a degree of honesty or openness. The work spouse is a potentially key relationship when one's actual spouse or boy/girlfriend is not able to be there. As people work more and more and spend less and less time at home, these hybrid relationships have begun to spawn more and more. This relationship can be threatened rather than enhanced if it ever becomes sexual.

(From Wikipedia)

I alluded to this a few days ago, but now I'm going to actually discuss it.

Workplace relationships are hardly news to anyone. In the past I've always had a very strict no workplace romance policy that has been very easy to follow. Largely because I work in a predominately female environment in the summer at various camps. Also because in the past any guy I would have found myself attracted to was already spoken for. Solves that problem quite nicely.

However...this year I'm close to breaking my self imposed rule. Why? Well within the first week or senior staff prepping for the summer I found myself a work husband.

It started innocently enough and it's nothing new to me to tend to hang out with the guys. When we take our lunch break we usually go outside and play games/sports because we're all just overgrown kids who keep coming back to camp even though we're older now. The first day this year when we came in to work I ended up sitting next to a guy I've known for a few years now. He was promoted to supervisor the year after me so we're on the same level, but he's two years younger. We've always got on well and by the end of week one I realized he was going to be my work husband for the summer. I thought it was kind of funny how the two of us were such a pair of shit-disturbers together during meetings because we are both terribly sarcastic and apparently have to say whatever pops into our heads immediately when it pops into our heads.

Anyways, somewhere around the end of week 2/beginning of week 3 something shifted. Literally in some cases. Suddenly our chairs were closer together. We'd sit there heads inclined towards each other mulling over paperwork and soliciting the other's opinion at random on ideas for our respective camps. We reached a point where physical contact was ok at times - first high fives, then poking each other in a distinctly more flirtatious way. Additionally whenever we started to sense it was getting a bit much - usually when there would suddenly be more people in the room, we'd knock it off. We started doing the air five like Jim and Pam on The Office if we were talking across a room or calling down a hallway.

Then it got amped up again. When I commented that I needed binder dividers, but couldn't find any in the office supply closet, he went on a mission later (without telling me) and found me a whole stack. When I returned to my seat at the table a bit later, he was out doing something else but there they were. When I walked past him photocopying a few minutes later and started to ask he practically burst out with "I found you dividers - they're on you stuff!"

Other little things here and there as well - like making sure to compliment me after we played something at lunch. Asking how my soccer game had gone the night before. Remembering any little detail of my life I may have mentioned.

We're quite the pair. When all the counsellors (our staff) started training, he and I would sit in the back together during sessions harassing each other. At one point we were blatantly flirting in front of some of our staff. As in our staff knew something was up and started looking at each other funny.

So...the question is what will I do about the situation? Do I really want to cross that line and shit where I eat? Do I want to deal with work potentially becoming awkward if I've misread the situation? Even if I have read it correctly - do I want to risk it considering we do run into each other fairly often since we work in the same part of town.

Or does that even matter since our job has a seasonal expiration date and right now I don't think I'm coming back next year?

Today was the first day our programs ran. He called me this morning to ask me if any of my camps were swimming at the pool beside his camp this week because they're closed now one day to fix something. He didn't need to call me - the pool would have called me like they'd called him.

And we also just talked online via Facebook chat when I got home from my game about how our first day went.

So thoughts from the general public? Workplace relationships - yay or nay? I've always been in the nay category myself because of my fear of appearing unprofessional, but maybe that was always because I hadn't met the right guy yet.

Sports...sorta

There are few things that bother me more in the world than people who are fake in some way shape or form. My current pet peeve with fake-ness stems from the World Cup.

At 22 years old, I still play high level competitive women's soccer in the summer. Soccer is my number one sport and I'm good at it. I enjoy watching the World Cup on TV, even though I don't really have a specific team I want to cheer for per say. I would really have enjoyed seeing an African team win this year because it's in Africa, but alas, it was not meant to be. I was thrilled to see some of the heavy weights sent home early on though - mainly France and Italy because they thought it would be a walk and were acting a little to diva-esque.

In short - I like soccer, but have no patience for the theatrics it sometimes brings out in it's players. If you didn't get hit, get off your ass and keep going.

But that's not the point of this post.

The point of this post is my annoyance at people (girls in particular) who have decided they understand soccer. They clog my facebook newsfeed with meaningless posts about games and players. These are girls who I know for a fact who are completely un-athletic and have had zero interest in sports...until now. Suddenly, they have realized that for the duration of the World Cup, they can fake an interest and enthusiasm for certain countries to gain attention from the opposite sex. They talk about how hot players are - not about skills. They make stupid long rambling posts about nothing in particular with spelling and grammatical mistakes on top of the usual overuse of exclamation points.

A girl that I know from university is actively researching stats in an attempt to impress a guy she is madly in love with and who has already told her he has no serious interest in her past friendship.

Here's the thing - taking an interest in something your boyfriend enjoys is one thing. It's even one thing to take an interest in something so you can meet guys. I get that. However - these girls? They take it too far.

Those of us girls who have a legitimate interest in the sport are then looked upon as posers as well because of the bad rep these fake-tastic girls are tittering and giggling and going on and on about Christiano Ronaldo - which is usually the only name they know anyway. Did you even understand why that pass up the middle was a bad play? Didn't think so. Now get out.

It really boils down to this - don't fake it. We all know you're faking it. So stop. This goes for anything else you might fake as well. Because there are some females in the world with a legitimate interest in the sport and we can't hear the tv over your squeals. Go to a Justin Bieber concert where that sort of nonsense is tolerated.

Canada Day!

Today is Canada Day - a magical day in which my dad blows up our front lawn with a vast array of chemicals that make pretty colours when brought into contact with fire.

I've also decided to try and actively blog some more. This is due in part because of all the random things that seem to have occurred in my life as of late. Little things, but things that require some thought.

This will also give me an outlet in the month of July because I feel July is going to be sheer chaos for me. I'm working full time with my camps, my online course begins on Monday and I have soccer. Oh, and I'd like to attempt some semblance of a social life in there as well.

This is where my day planner is going to come in handy.

In any event - I've decided to attempt to outline some more topics I will likely be discussing in this blog. Most likely I will blog about anything that pops into my head. I may go off on tangents. Actually that's a given with me, who am I kidding? I work with kids, so likely there will be some references to that. And, of course, the opposite sex.

The opposite sex has featured in a new role as of late. But that deserves it's own post at a later date in which I can devote the proper time needed to explain how this one has managed to sneak into my thoughts and set up camp as my current crush.

In any event - the stats you need to know about me:
+ 22 year old female
+ Canadian
+ just completed a Bachelor of Education to add to my Bachelor of Arts in History
+ reformed tomboy (hence the blog title)
+ overly sarcastic
+ single

So there you are. Now I'm off to meet some friends for lunch so we can sit on a patio and enjoy the sunshine.

Hello new blog!

So I've decided to give blogging another go for real this time. I briefly tried writing under "Tragedy Tomorrow, Comedy Tonight" before discovering that I had an even better title for a blog dealing with my version of the world.

Introducing "The Reformed Tomboy!"

In short - I grew up a complete and utter tomboy. I tend to get along better with guys than girls. I find girls over dramatic and catty. (Ironic cause I can get that way myself, however, I'll usually at least admit when I'm being a total bitch.) I had short hair until part way through university and even then it only really got long when I lived overseas for a year in a non-English speaking country and was scared to go get it cut lest they misunderstand what I was trying to say and leave me with a mohawk.

However, as it turns out, these past few years of university in particular have led to me becoming increasingly girly. Old friends of mine have commented on the obvious changes - notably in terms of my ability to dress up should the occasion call for it. (Although admittedly I am still a big jeans and t-shirt fan. I just also happen to own 4 semi-formal/cocktail dresses, 2 ball gowns - 1 being my gr.12 prom dress, 2 shirt dresses, 2 sweater dresses, 2 sundresses and 1 out on the town dress, 1 gr.8 grad dress I still fit into - that's a total of 14 dresses. Not bad considering that until gr. 12 the only dress I owned was my gr. 8 grad dress. There were also 2 skirts that were rotated constantly.)

But I digress.

Dresses alone do not make me a reformed tomboy. Rather, I've begun to slowly be able to distinguish between how to be more than just a friend with the male species. It seems I've very good at reading guys when they are interacting with my friends, however, when they interact with me I tend to assume disinterest beyond friendship. That's slowly changing as I now assume I'm so awesome everyone should find themselves at least somewhat intrigued by me.

So that's the brief intro. There are a lot of things I would like to discuss on here, but I think it will only work if I can get some kind of dialogue going. We'll see how that works out though.