Learn to say "No" to your kids

I was watching "Say Yes To The Dress" on TLC today and they had one bride-to-be who wanted to get one dress, then have custom alterations done. Clearly a princess. Clearly not used to hearing the word no. Ever.

Now, I work with kids on a regular basis through babysitting, camp, school - hell, if I see kids misbehaving in public sometimes I call them out on it (but that's only if I don't see parents close by). Over the years I've come across far too many kids that don't understand the concept of "no." What's even more astounding to me is watching how fast parents will give in to their screaming children. My parents never stood for this sort of stuff! Hell - if I back talked I got my mouth washed out with soap. Literally. My parents would also spank me. These were often combined with yelling, lectures, time-outs, groundings, the taking away of privileges, etc. One time I got a 78% on a geography test - which is a B+ in the Ontario school system. I was grounded for two weeks because my mom thought I hadn't studied enough. That was probably the only test I've ever actually actively studied for because I knew my mom was threatening to ground me. That was also the one of the highest marks in the class on that test!

If I wanted a toy as a kid, I had to buy it myself. And even then I would still often get told no because I was supposed to save my allowance. I ended up with my first GIC at the age of 14 or something crazy - and I'm very middle class mind. When I wanted an N64 in grade 7, I had to save up all my money. I saved up $200 before my dad took pity on me and put in the money for the rest of it.

My friends were bribed to get good grades in school - $10 for every A on your report card. My parents just expected that I would have straight A's. I wasn't rewarded with toys or money, they figured doing the work and learning something was reward enough.

I'm a child of the 90s and it seems that's when this whole trying to be friends with your kid really started to become more widespread. I certainly know many people in my age group who are also not used to hearing no. The looks of horror I get when I say I was spanked as a kid if I was a real little shit are hilarious in my opinion. I understand that there's all this stuff about how it can be emotionally damaging and what not and that children shouldn't be scared of their parents. Fine. Was I scared of my parents? Well I sure as hell knew they were the ones in charge. I'm pretty sure my mom actually spanked me one time when I was in like grade 7 because I was being a right little bitch about something or other.

Am I now on good terms with my parents? Yeah, I am actually. I get along better with my mom probably because we have very similar personalities. (My dad tends to get pissy about things - he and my sister are very much alike.) It's frustrating to have moved back home for teacher's college to save money and still be here while I'm trying to build a career because my mom does nag me about shit, but we've had pretty frank talks about it. The reason she nags me is because I just roll my eyes and take it, then walk away. I'll do stuff when I feel like it and she knows that it will get done eventually. She doesn't nag my sister as much because she'll say one thing like "Can you please unload the dishwasher?" and my sister will fly off the handle and start ranting and raving cause she gets very pissy. We call her Miss Cranky Pants. But my mom still makes her do it.

The things is - a lot of kids today don't seem to have the same level of respect for their parents' authority that I had growing up. My mom didn't put up with picky eaters. It was you eat what is on the table in front of you or you don't eat. She wouldn't take dessert away, but it was eat or don't eat. There was no snacking allowed. Picky eaters have always been one of my pet peeves - at least try the food. If you've never had it, how do you know you don't like it? There are a lot of things I don't particularly like, but if it's served to me and free I will eat it. Like ham. I'm just not a big fan - although every so often I will get a craving for it. There was a while where I really disliked most breakfast food - eggs in particular. But if it was Sunday morning and my mom made eggs I was still going to eat them.

The problem is that now kids are all used to being catered to and coddled. The fact is - the real world just isn't like that. I admit, I had it pretty good as a kid - I was athletic and always made the teams and did well and I also made every show I auditioned for. I did well in school too. But I also worked my ass off. I got a bit of a shock when I went from straight A's without trying to being a B student in university.

I've seen kids who show up to try out for teams or audition for shows and they just expect to get in without working on it. If you aren't going to put in the effort, get out. And don't have mommy phone and complain. It really bugs me when students get poor marks and their parents blame the teachers - especially when most of those teachers have been chasing after students asking for missing assignments, trying to prompt them to answer in class, etc.

Your child is not perfect, because no one is perfect. If little Johnny says he wants a new game system, tell him to get a paper route. If little Susie cuts her sister's hair, give her a time out. If Jimmy punches his brother call him out on it.

Honestly, it doesn't take much to get a reaction out of a kid. I can do it with tone of voice. And I'm 22 and have no kids of my own. I've been able to do it for years. I understand if can be more difficult with your own kids but you are not helping them by always giving in. If you always buy them everything they want, they don't know the value of anything. They get out on their own and suddenly they can't afford the lifestyle they're used to and they go into debt.

So please - tell your kids no once in awhile. You can spoil your grandkids.