My first crush was my friend S. He and I go way back - we're talking kindergarten here. Our families are pretty good friends as well - our sisters have always been close as well. Back when I first started noticing boys as being the opposite sex during puberty, I started to fall for S. I was going through a part of my life where I was being bullied a great deal by the majority of our class. Those who weren't actively bullies were bystanders who didn't say much to help me. S was also a bystander most of the time, but every so often would do something small. Some things I found out about after the fact, but he did make a point of including me at times when obviously the others would've just ignored me.
He and I have gone through a lot together and over the years, there's always been a bit of an on-again/off-again crush on my side. That sneaky "what if" creeping in. I tend to tell myself realistically that it would be a bad idea. I don't think we'd know how to be more than friends with each other anyway and there's some things we differ on that I know would seem small, but would likely end up causing problems. I also know that deep down, I still feel he could have stood up for me more as a kid. But he was a popular kid - the most well liked guy I've ever known, it's impossible for anyone to dislike him. He's just a nice guy all around. Quiet and polite - the guy every girl dreamed of taking home to mom. When he took a girl to prom it was a big deal. They kind of dated for awhile, but not really. It ended badly with her really doing a number on him in that she had led him on. Since then he's always been a little gun shy and incredibly secretive about any girl he does see usually until after the fact. Until now.
Turns out S found himself a summer romance. They've been seeing each other for 2.5 months and it's been official for 1. He decides to tell me this via msn very randomly last night when I said "Hey - how was your weekend?" When I pressed him about why he hadn't told me sooner he was like "I guess it never came up?" We spent 8 hours in a car one day the last week of August because he offered to drive up to an interview I had so I would be on my own. How does something like this not come up when I'm telling the stories of my dating misadventures?
This past February, we were both at a birthday party and I was saying how I was sick of going to formals alone and that I was thinking I'd take a blow up doll to the one I had coming up in April. His drunk ass offers to go with me. S hates formals, hates dressing up, hates dancing, and was in a completely different program. I told him not to worry about it, but he insisted and we did go together. It was nice, but ended up feeling a bit awkward after the fact. We barely saw each other all summer because we were both working so much and just busy with life in general - that was part of the reason he said he offered to drive up to my interview with me, so we could catch up.
But why not tell me he had a new girlfriend? I feel like he was expecting a weird reaction from me almost - like I'd be upset. Or just...something. Not me basically declaring I wanted to meet her and then peppering him with questions about what she studied in school/what's she doing now, etc. Why keep me in the dark when I've always thought we were really good friends? I do think he wanted to spare my feelings - whether it was because he felt bad about my misadventures with Engineer Boy or because he wonders if I have a thing for him, I don't know. At this point I suspect he at least has some idea I liked him when we were growing up/in high school. So I dropped some info about Work Boy to help set his mind at ease.
It is weird though. I think I always sort of see S as my ultimate go-to guy. He was my first crush and all of us kind of agree he's like the gold standard among the guys. I'm also one of the few people who has gotten pissed off with him and called him out on something. We had our first actual fight in November because he'd canceled on hanging out twice - day of and I was pissed because I'd made room in a very busy schedule so I could see him. But we had this big fight and then everything was fine and we were able to resolve the issue and move on.
For years we had these sort of unspoken rules about what we did and didn't talk about with each other. Then after I came back from my year abroad I made a point of completely upsetting those rules on purpose to get a reaction out of him.
So I suppose I do still think that maybe in the end we'll end up together. We grew up down the street from each other. It would be the movie kind of ending. Because it did sort of hit me like a ton of bricks when he said he had a girlfriend. I wasn't expecting that since I've been so focused on Work Boy. I think it's more of the now wanting what I can't have and feeling a bit blindsided by it. I guess it's also because for a long time S has been saying he's not looking for anything at the moment and that he figures he'll find someone in a few years and end up married around 28. I took that as a don't even waste my time then since he was pretty set on focusing on his Masters. Guess he changed his mind.
And it's weird, because I do really like Work Boy. But the thing is he does sort of remind me of S sometimes. Yet very different at the same time. And considering he's known me for a much small span of time, he picked up very quickly how to best talk me down when I'm stressed. I worry though that S and I not hanging out so much this summer, I subconsciously looked for a replacement guy. I mean S and I talked regularly on MSN, but I needed someone that I saw regularly and Work Guy was there. And the thing is - I miss seeing him all the time. A lot. I got used to his consistent presence in my life. The grin he'd give me when I walked in. And - as always - how adorable he is with kids. I hadn't had such a sudden impact of head over heels in awhile - at least not in an emotional context. It's one thing to fall for the guy who is charming and witty with words. It's another to fall for the guy who finds you extra binder dividers cause you mention that you need some.
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