Thursday, September 2, 2010

Re: How Guys Really Feel About the Girls They Hook Up With

This started as a comment over at Susan's latest post in Hooking Up Smart but then I thought it would fit better here.

Being a girl who has always been considered "one of the guys" has had it's drawbacks, but it's also shown me the dark side of hooking up because guys really do talk. A lot. The shit I've heard guys talk about? Just wow. And when it gets back to other girls? Girls can get blacklisted on all sides.

For example, in October Girl 1 and Guy 1 were kindda hooking up. However, they had decided they were exclusive, even though she was pushing for a relationship. In fact many people actually thought Girl 1 was with Guy 2 because they hung out so much in public. There's your first clue that it's probably going no where - no one even knows you're together. By Halloween we all sort of knew though - mainly because people had realized myself and Guy 2 would flirt/dance a lot when we were drunk and the story had got out that we'd made out one night after sharing a cab home. Ultimately went no where when I found it at the end of November that he was hung up on a girl back home, but we became really good friends out of it. I got the standard "You're really cool, but I just like you as a friend cause I like this other girl..." talk. Anyways Girl 1 left the Halloween party early and goes home to wait for Guy 1. On his way home, Guy 1 ends up banging Girl 2 in a stairwell. Goes home to Girl 1, tells her this happened. I believe they just went to bed after that.

Girl 2's defence, via her friends, was that she had just gotten out of a very serious 4 year relationship. It was concluded that Girl 2 knew perfectly well about Girl 1 and her relationship with Guy 1.

Two weeks later, Girl 2 ends up making out with Guy 2, despite knowing that there is still something sort of going on between me and him. Girl 1 and Guy 1 decide to insert themselves into the situation to "save him from her." I found out about this later as I'd left the club at that point and gone home.

Ultimately, Girl 1 ended up pretty much blacklisted for the entire rest of the year by the entire faculty. After those two incidents no one would really go near her - guy or girl - unless they'd already been friends with her for awhile or somehow hadn't heard about her antics.

For my part, I didn't care that she'd made out with Guy 2 that much because I knew I had no real claim. However, since she and I had a conversation about how I was confused about the situation earlier in the evening it bugged me on that level.

By contrast - I had made out with Guy 2 the one night. The only reason people even found out was because Girl 1 and one of her friends ended up blabbing - and even then a lot of people still didn't know, as I discovered at the end of the year when I made some joke about it then had to explain. He hadn't said anything. In fact, when things had even started progressing that night between the two of us I had stopped him and laid the ground rules and his response was "I know." When we talked about it quite some time later (as in like January) he said that I hadn't really needed to spell it out for him because he knew I wasn't "that type of girl" and was impressed that I stood my ground about it.

So I didn't get blacklisted by the entire faculty, but guys knew not to waste their time by hitting on me at the bars because I wasn't going to put out. Plus Guy 2 morphed into a bit of an over-protective brother the odd time if he felt someone with a questionable reputation was trying to get me home.

That's generally what ends up happening with me though - no matter where I go. In fact I vividly recall one night about 2 years ago when I walked home a little drunk after we'd finished a show then stayed at the pub. I left with a guy, but no one even thought anything of it because even though he had started whoring around since he'd broken up with his long term girlfriend 4 weeks previously, it was me. That was my year abroad and a lot of guys had been trying very unsuccessfully for the entire year to sleep with me and it had never worked. So even though my guy friend and I had been flirting like crazy the whole night (he'd lent me his coat since we were out on the roof top patio), no one thought anything of it. (Again - another example of how I set the boundaries right away even though I was drunk and the guy just went "I know" and later on told me in the sober light of day he knew I wasn't "that type of girl" and added that I deserved better than some slutbag like him anyway. He's become my go-to straight guy for advice since.)

However - if you look at what I'm doing here, it doesn't seem to work in the college setting. At all. I end up being the girl who can hang out with the guys and sometimes will make out with them, without them expecting more because it's me and I'm not that type of girl, but I don't get anything more than that. I also end up becoming better friends with them afterwards - likely because the sexual tension has been dealt with and fizzled for both parties by that point. So I end up with a lot of guy friends who get protective of me in certain situations and I end up becoming what I term "the emotional girlfriend" for them. As in - while they go and sleep around, I provide the emotional support of a steady girlfriend without any of the drama because we aren't actually together.

And yes before someone else points it out - I realize I'm getting a bit of a rare deal out of it here. I'm the friend and the support system the crave but what do I get out of it. I know - stop enabling them, whatever, etc. But - they are my friends and they try and hook me up as well with nice guys if they can - or at least will sit and give me advice on how to handle guys. Does it get frustrating to hear my guy friends say that I would make an awesome girlfriend, but they don't want to date me themselves? Of course. Is it somewhat mitigated by the fact that they reassure me that I'm attractive and a good catch. Yes.

And remember Engineer Boy who I went on three dates with in August? Turns out he may not have just wanted my friend's number his friend that Saturday night. He started texting her the same Sunday he blew me off via text. And when she didn't reply, tried again on Monday. Monday night she called me and we had a long chat about the whole thing. I said ultimately I wasn't going to tell her to do one thing or another but that quite bluntly I thought it was a real dick move on his part. She agreed, and eventually texted him back saying that she felt he'd put her in a very awkward position and therefore couldn't hang out with him.

Upon hearing this story every single one of my guy friends has immediately said some combination of the following sentiments:

1. You deserve better
2. What an asshole
3. Are you ok?
4. What about the guy from work?
5. Want me to beat him up?
6. You're being super classy about this whole thing

Does it suck? Yeah. It's a big hit to the self esteem because while I'm kind of used to getting passed over for my friends by guys, it's usually not after I've already actually had a few dates with him. Well except for when my date to the spring ball in third year ended up making out with my friend, but we'd gone together but not like "together together."

And when I admit the hit to my self esteem my guy friends are immediately all over trying to cheer me up by again pointing out he's an asshole and that I'm awesome and deserve so much better and that I'm super hot and adorable all at once. And when I point out that most days I don't care one whit about my appearance, some of them will point out that's what makes me so cute.

And ultimately - I know my buddies are going to make damn sure that no guy takes advantage of me and that if they ever catch a guy talking shit about me they'll probably be there in an instant to beat the crap out of him.

2 comments:

  1. Hey reformed tomboy, I just ran across your blog! It's Mani from Hooking Up Smart :) and girl let me tell you - you and I have much in common. I've been single for um, ALL of my life and I have had total crap-luck with dating too (It's been a while since I've been asked out on a date that I actually WANTED to go on)...I enjoy reading your blog! It is comforting to know that single gals like me aren't alone in this world - when all of my friends and peers are either hooking up or pretty much have boyfriends, it's hard being the girl who feels "dysfunctional" because she's never had one. Blah, I never want to feel that way again, so this semester I am making an extra effort to focus on school, be independent, and work on MYSELF.

    Anyhow, I'd have to agree with your friends here - this guy doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who will want you and only you, and like everything about you. I can see how that would totally be like a slap in the face, texting your other friends almost instantly after? Ugh. I hear "you'll find the right guy" all the time and even though I've been quite jaded after being single for so long, I still believe there's someone out there who will be compatible with me and want to be with me. I just have to stop looking for it for now. College guys, especially in my area, the majority just don't want an LTR. They want to pump and dump, and I am not like that at all. I could go on about this forever.

    "Is it somewhat mitigated by the fact that they reassure me that I'm attractive and a good catch. Yes."

    I used to have more guy friends but many of them turned into douches, so that number has whittled down a bit...but I heard the same thing constantly too, a lot of them would go out of their way to tell me how attractive they thought I was but then wouldn't ask me out on a date or anything. Um, ok...it's nice to know you feel that way, but am I not good enough to date?

    Ok, enough about me - just wanted to offer you some support! :)

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  2. Yeah - I just don't get asked out at all really so...lol

    What I discovered this summer though was that even guys who are done school and in a job can also be jackasses though, but hey gotta go through a few frogs I suppose?

    And girls like us can use the support system!

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